IMPATIENT

After my last post, being both a bit ashamed and a bit relieved, I've decided to look at this a little differently.

I can start over now. I have opportunity...no reason to say "I can't." I want to look forward to this...to see something in someone's eyes that makes me believe I can be a possibility...an opportunity. I never thought I'd say this, but I want to feel that clumsy, shy feeling I get when I'm near someone I like. Stumbling over words, trying to have some semblance of a working knowledge of the english language, trying not to be so obvious while at the same time having trouble breathing.

I want to see something in someone's eyes that tells me I shouldn't be so insecure, so self-doubting, that I'm important enough to listen to even if what I say is inane
and not as funny as I thought it was. Maybe I can even get up the nerve to suggest coffee together or lunch, and see a look of pleasant surprise...and believe when the answer is "yes."

I want so badly to be over all of this. I hate being an emotional car wreck, with feelings and fears that seem to keep repeating like a bad rerun.

I don't want his pity, this man I hope is out there, I want his affection. I want his touch. I want his kiss. I want it willingly, and I want it often.

A tender kiss on my cheek or my forehead, a brush across my lips or somethng more, his mouth over mine, tasting me, promising so much more. The palm of my hand upturned in his and the look in his eyes as he watches my reaction to a gentle caress. I'm weak and very malleable then, and I would do anything to keep him there at that moment.

In my mind, I feel the touch of his hands, bigger than mine and strong, tracing the contours of my face, my shoulders, teasing me as he follows the swell of my breast and on down to my arms, sending a shiver through me, sliding behind my back to pull me closer for a kiss. Sometimes he holds me against him, tenderly, with his hands on my waist, while other times he slides them farther down to my ass, and pulls me to him, hard. I can feel him, and I can't help but moan.

If I close my eyes, I can see him over me, the look in his eyes of wanting. He craves me, as I do him, and that first time, when I surrender to him completely, he pushes into me so easily, slow and deep. An exquisite surprise, this man inside me, so hard, how can he be so hard? I am full of him now, and as we move together, slow and deliberate, once again he's taken my breath away. His words to me, full of intense emotion...telling me I feel so good on him. I can only reach up and touch his face and he holds me closer as his arms slide under my shoulders. He thrusts into me and I moan as my legs wrap around him. My arms around him and on his back, he kisses me, hard.We are in perfect rythm.

I want to see something in his eyes, something that brings me to him. Besides the lust, the wanting, I want to see his affection for me. This will make me his. He'll feel it...the way I tighten on him, the way I close my eyes as my body arches beneath him, the way I sound when I cry out as I'm hit with wave after wave of such intensity I almost scream. Here he will join with me, filling me. Finally, all that pain is washed away.

Now I just have to wait and see...