MISTAKEN

Am I doing something wrong?

What is it about me that makes someone seem to want me, then suddenly doesn't?

I'd almost prefer being told to fuck off...get lost...stay away...anything but that fucking shitty feeling you get when you realize someone has changed their opinion of you.

I think maybe I should just stay away from people for awhile.

It's always been safer...lonely...but definately safer.

A MEMORY

I knew what he wanted...it was something he always enjoyed...but I think it's true about any man.

The night I met him he seduced me...I wasn't a virgin, but I was inexperienced. And even though he was basically bad news, he did teach me certain things...both good and bad.

He taught me that I shouldn't be ashamed to "take care of" myself. It wasn't bad to touch myself. To be honest, I'd never done anything like that before. He was very good with his hands, and he showed me how to be just as good. He liked to watch me, and I found that if I did the things he showed me, I could release of lot of pent up frustration. Plus the fact that when I did this for him, it made him very hard. The results soon after were very gratifying.

I have to admit...I liked sucking his cock. When I would take him in my mouth, his reaction to the way I took him was very pleasing to me. I loved the way he would gasp when I tasted him each first time...the way he would moan and whisper things to me..the way his hands held my head as he would guide my strokes...or how he'd hold me still as he fucked my mouth.

I loved the way he would tell me breathlessly how close he was...and as he came he would moan and thrust harder. I swallowed every drop he gave me, and this he enjoyed as much as what my mouth was doing before he lost control.

Unfortunately, like I said, he was not a good person when it came to relationships. But I'm glad I learned what I did from him.

I miss this. I like pleasing a man. It feels good to be thought of in a sexually satisfying way.

Besides, knowing that the moans and groans of such pleasurable acts (such a personal, private thing between a man and a woman) are because of something I am doing...makes me very hungry.

I MUST HAVE MISSED THAT DAY

I think I've learned my lesson now.

I seem to believe whatever I want to hear.

I know everyone has a line of bullshit to some extent.

Some people are very good at it.

But just once, for a change, maybe you could mean what you say...and say what you mean.

Thanks for another lesson learned...

DREAMING

Fantasies can be very pleasant, especially when shared.

Of course, that depends on with whom, and just how much you share.

I have my romantic ones and I have naughty ones...

ALL are sexual in some way.

Some I've tried to actually make happen...

Some I wish would happen...

Most of them involve one man only...an ideal that I have...

One involves more than one man...sometimes two...

Sometimes more...

In all of them, I am their desire...their need...the only one that can make them happy...

I am beautiful to them, and they make me feel like I'm the only one they want.

Some make love to me...slow, very passionate, loving.

Some take me...not like you think...more of an impatient wanting that they can barely control...they never hurt me...

They fuck me. And I can't get enough.

One involves a cop...one involves someone from work...and to be honest, several involve certain bloggers I've read and still read regularly...

One or two have been about someone I've seen and/or met in public...

One fantasy has to do with a big wooden dining room table...others, a walk in the woods...an office, behind a closed door...kitchen counters...bathroom counters...my bed...his bed...our bed...

Certain ones I think of when I have to "curb" my appetite...

I'm just curious...what fantasies do other people have?

Like Blade, I guess I'm just wondering out loud...

EVER READY

It's getting bad again....that hungry feeling.

I think I need my toy.

A girl's best friend is not diamonds....it's batteries.

A WINK AND A DAISY

I was thinking...with all this sexual hunger I seem to be having lately, I still want some good old fasioned romance.

I don't expect anything fancy.

Atually, it's the little things that can make me crazy.

One of the hottest things anyone has ever done is winked at me.

But it has to be something not so obvious...definately not lascivious...almost an afterthought...natural.

Does that make sense?

I won't lie to you and say I don't like flowers...I love them. But a single rose, or even a daisy (my favorite) can make me very happy. It doesn't have to be a dozen..

Chivalry is not dead. I love being defended...protected...but I won't start anything just to see that...that's self-centered. That's one thing I am not.

Dance with me. I'm not a dancer, but hold me next to you so I can feel you breathe and smell your scent that I will remember the rest of my life.

Don't grope me...I think I'm very open minded but I don't like being "handled," especially in public. That is something private between myself and the man who is lucky enough to have me almost any way he'd like.

Listen to me...look me in the eye when you do, and when you talk to me. Don't be afraid to disagree with me...it's fun to "argue" a point.

Don't ever make me feel like I'm not good enough. If I piss you off, tell me and I'll usually apologize, but don't ever talk down to me.

Make love to me. You don't have to be in love with me to do this. I love to fuck...I think that goes without saying. But if you seduce me once in a while...make me feel like I'm the only person in your life at that moment...make me feel wanted and needed by you...if you lay me down in your bed and take your time with me...discovering every little thing I enjoy...touching and tasting me...showing me what you enjoy...what you're feeling...and treat me the same after as you did before...

...I'll make you happy...you'll miss me when I'm not there...and once in a while you'll think of me...how I felt and tasted and smelled...and you'll smile...

FORGET BREAKFAST...

I woke up this morning in my usual mood...

I hate being alone then.

I hate being the only one to touch me lately.

Sometimes, even though I just woke up, I'm already wet.

I don't remember dreaming...must be some subconscious need...

One morning, I woke to find I was touching, rubbing...my fingers pressing...I was very wet...no dream...at least that I remember...I closed my eyes and imagined...a man...his voice in my ear...his body on mine...I imagined he slid inside me so smoothly...cock so hard...so deep inside me he took my breath from me...I heard him tell me how good I feel...a moan and then how much he wants me...how much he needs me...I'm close and he tells me he feels it...he thrusts into me and I cum on him...my body bucks underneath his as I cry out so loud I almost scream...

And it's just me...my hand is drenched as I carefully massage that spot that is so sensitive now. I can barely touch it. My breathing is slowly returning to normal, and I realize I'm whimpering. I close my eyes again and try to think of him next to me. It's quiet in the house, and as I roll over I can almost feel his arm around me. I sleep.

Is this what they call bittersweet?

WANTED: TALL, DARK AND GREAT WITH YOUR HANDS...

I watched a couple the other day...I think they were newlyweds...and became extremely jealous.

I felt bad but couldn't stop myself, so I deliberately left the area they were in.

How is it you can go from being so wrapped up in each other, it's almost suffocating...but in a good way...then later, whether it's weeks or months or years, you can barely stand each other?

Of course, it could be worse. I've also seen couples who stay together...for the children...and are so miserable it's scary. The worst part is they think the kids don't see it.

People sometimes think kids aren't smart enough to know things you don't want them to know. I think that sometimes, they're smarter than the adults.

Oh well...I consider myself lucky..no one to take care of anymore but me...it's refreshing...but I'd still like a shoulder here once in a while. My cooking's not that bad...and I bathe regularly. Sometimes I am funny...and fun to be with.

...and just in case no one's noticed, I love sex....and everything that cums with it...

RELAXED

I'm a bit calmer, now.

Told you I get this way...hope it didn't offend anyone.

YES

Hands on me...sliding down...

Finding me...pleased I'm so wet...

Turns me away from him...

Bending...

Lifting...pulling...entering me...

Gasping...so hard...full....

So long for me...

He knows this...and uses it...

Slow...deep...complete...

I hold him there...this pleases him...

Arch my back...want more...

Moaning...breathless whispers...

"yesss.."

Pushing against him...

Thrusting...faster now...

He loves it here he tells me...

I feel it...

Close...

He's pumping me...

I cum...

Cries of release...

I cum...

He's losing his control...

I cum...

He can't stop it now...

Neither can I...

Fuck, yes...

Don't stop, don't stop, please...

NOW...

Pumping into me...

So much...

So wet...



All he has...

Mine, now...

HUNGER STRIKE?

I hate this.

My appetite is, at times, very difficult to control.

It's not like I'm satiating my hunger. I'm not. That's the problem. Besides the fact that I've broken up with a man I thought I would be with forever...someone who knows what I like and can make me feel very satisfied (at least sexually), I'm not running around picking up anything I can find.

I'm picky...I know what I want and need...and I don't want the bullshit heartache you-can-trust-me-baby that someone is going to shovel when all he wants is to fuck me.

It's going to be hard to trust someone, especially after all this.

It's very difficult for me to believe...

I'd love to be in love again...it feels good when it's going well...it would just be nice if this time it went well constantly.

I want to be important to someone again...I want to be spoiled because they want to spoil me...I want to be protected and defended...I want to be understood and taken care of...

But I am so fucking hungry I feel like I may go crazy.

I want to fuck.

I have toys...and they work...but they aren't the real thing.

I want someone to want me so bad that he has to take me...trying not to hurt me, as he thrusts inside me, I can't help but cum immediately...his cock hits the back of me over and over again...it hurts but I take it...and I keep cumming...his moans tell me how much he enjoys me...and I keep cumming...he won't stop...and I keep cumming...

...I'm afraid I get a bit selfish, too.

FUCK

WORDS TO LIVE BY

Words...I am good with these at times, but I also find them hard to say when I'm unsure of myself, or angry.

Of course, there are certain words that can make me laugh or make me cry...make me think...make me happy or angry...take my breath away...cause me to become excited...make me wet...

There are words that, to some people would mean nothing, but to me...

Make.

Me.

Hungry.

I love being called baby...but only by someone I'm intimate with. Whether it's in public, and he's asking me or telling me something, hearing him say "baby" makes me feel wanted...and needed.

In private, it's even better. Holding me against him, whispering it to me...or when he's inside me, telling me how good I feel, calling me "baby" with that sensual voice that changes when he's aroused...and when I suck him, his hands holding my head as I show him how I feel, his breathless whisper, "baby, please don't stop..."

Saying my name...he actually seems to like how it sounds...maybe it's because of the way I look at him when he says it. I love hearing it when we make love...he looks at me that way, and as we move together his hands are on me, his cock is buried deep inside me, and he watches me taking him...and he whispers my name again.

Once I knew a man who liked to finger me until I came for him. He would tease me and have me so wet you could hear it as he moved over my clit and inside me, his fingers dripping. Slowly at first, he'd make me squirm under his touch. I wanted so bad to cum I would beg him, but he controlled me enough to make me wait...it would drive me mad, but when I finally came it was so powerful I couldn't do anything else but lie there afterward.

As I came for him, he would say "that's my girl."

I don't know why, but I loved hearing that. I believe that at times it would make me cum even harder..

It's times like this I hate being alone here...


I want...

......so much...

.........to be done with this...

TO BE CONTINUED...

No more guilt trips.

I'm a good girl.

A man would be happy to have me...in every way.

I'm sorry things didn't work out, but I did my best...and that's all a person can do.

I'm not bragging, but one of the things he says he misses is the sex.

He pointed out to me that he knows every inch of my body, and how he loves the fact that I could cum on him again and again.

But now that will be something for someone else to discover some day.

I hope he'll be a quick study. Eager to learn. Thirst for knowledge.

And patient.

It will take a while...I'll be nervous...but I think it will make it all the more exciting.

I'll be anxious...eager to learn about him with my own thirst that needs quenching.

Although willing, I'll try to be cautious, but he'll get to that point...where he finds out what it takes to make me pliant...unresisting...submissive.

He'll find I'm very attentive, but I expect the same. No rules on who pleases who first and how many times...just be sincere and enjoy each other. I like to gain control once in a while...watch a man who thinks he has it...lose it...see his reaction when he finally surrenders..

To know someone who is strong and protective of me...respects me and likes to be near me...who can look at me and know that I'm his whenever he wants me...however he wants me...that I can make him tremble and want and need...and as hard as steel.

I want to hear laughter in the dark as we relax together, our naked bodies wet and hot and and spent...then soon after, moans of pure pleasure, cries and gasps and whispers to one another.

I want to make love...slow and sensuous...meaningful and emotional.

But sometimes I want to fuck...hard, fast, impatient, and greedy.

I want this again.

GUILTY AS CHARGED

Guilt can be a powerful thing.

It can make you second guess yourself...change your mind completely...eat away at you until you don't know what you're doing anymore.

I refuse to be made to feel guilty about things.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point...to where I'm doing things to make my life better.

I remember all the times I felt bad...I could swear my heart actually physically hurt in my chest.

This helps me fight that guilty feeling.

At this moment I'd rather just lay down my sword and close my eyes...

If you can't see it, it isn't there. Just like when the boogeyman would come into my room.

I make a hell of a warrior, huh?

A LITTLE MORE

I bought new windchimes this past weekend...I love the sound...reminds me of quiet moments in the summer...and the fall.

Windows open...breeze blowing...

He lays back and tells me to show him...I want to please him, but I'm nervous around him...we've only been together once before...he makes me feel clumsy and self-conscious and I love it.

"Please.." he asks, and he sits up to reach out to me, pulling me to him for a kiss...soft and gentle as his hands brush back a strand of my hair.

"Show me" he says again, and we lay together. His hand covers mine as I move it down over my belly...lower still, and my hand slides between my legs...a finger sliding farther as I close my eyes and a low groan escapes my parted lips. He pulls his hand back as I start to rub...I know exactly what to do, but it's been so long since I did this for anyone but myself. My fingers find the spot I've only shared with a few, and soon my breathing becomes deeper and I am no longer shy with him. I look up at him as I continue to touch, and I see that look of wanting, of needing, in his eyes...he whispers "yes...that's it, baby" as his hand slides over my thigh and gently pulls it towards him, spreading my legs further.

I feel him hard against me, but he only watches as I place my hand over his and squeeze, my other hand moving faster, rubbing harder. I hold onto him as I feel that heat building. He pulls my hand to his hardness and I grasp him. He moans in my ear and tells me not to stop...

There's no way I can....

MORNINGS

Even though I enjoy time alone...

Even though I like my newfound independence...

I hate waking up alone.

I hate not having someone next to me, whether it's a day we'll be spending together or a day of work for both of us.

Leaving for work was always a little easier to do when you had someone to wish you a good day with a hug and a kiss.

Leaving for work was also difficult at times when you were able to spend a little more time in the morning...

A quick, frantic joining, usually started at the edge of waking...feeling someone inside you as you drift out of sleep, or, from what I always knew, a mouth on his cock that never failed to open his eyes.

If you're lucky enough to have the time, making love is the best thing to do before starting your day. Holding each other while you move together, quiet moans and whispers, sometimes no words at all because you didn't need to say anything...you could see it in each other's eyes, and God how you felt it...

Sometimes I would straddle him, and he would wake as I slowly rode him...I loved to see his expression as he woke...

To me, sex is so enjoyable because you can see the true emotion on your lover's face...and the more meaningful it is to the both of you, the better.

I can't wait to see that again...

SLEEPY

A dream...such a wonderful dream...I feel it between my legs...touching...rubbing me...I can't see his face, but I can feel his fingers touching...slow, gentle, almost hesitant...my hand over his, moving with his hand...I sigh...looking up...he's leaning over me...and his hand is there...

I close my eyes...a low moan..."baby" he whispers...rubbing faster...sliding wet fingers inside me...I gasp and spread my legs wider...he pushes in deeper...I moan and he starts to take me this way...slow...but constant...he feels me get tighter...and knows...I'm ready...

Pulling out of me...I cry out, telling him no...he brings his wet fingers to his lips and tastes me, then brings them to my lips and tells me to taste, also. I savor the two of us...earlier couplings...we made love yesterday...and he fucked me last night...

I look up at him dreamily...eyes half closed...as I suck...he looks down at me as his fingers pull out...he runs his thumb over my lips and I kiss him there...just the tip...and he bends to kiss my mouth...

And I wake...in the dark. I turn to look beside me...where he sleeps...quiet breathing...his back to me...I roll over and slide my arm over his side...his breathing changes...a low moan...his hand takes mine...holding against his chest...and he falls back again...I lay against him...wet...and waiting...

RESTORATION

He says he can help me heal.

His voice is quiet, gentle...he can soothe me, calm me down with his words.

His hands are strong...he can soothe me, calm me down with his touch.

He says he knows what I need...and I'm beginning to believe him.

He promises he'll never hurt me...and I'm beginning to believe him.

I hear his voice and my pulse races...I see him and my breathing quickens...he touches me and I begin to tremble.

He talks to me, trying to be good, but I can't help but let him know I'm wanting, and he understands...and he wants me right back.

He says when I talk to him he gets hard...he knows how much I enjoy hearing that...it makes me wet...and ready for him.

I do things with him...for him...he says I'm insatiable.

He scares me...because I'm enjoying this...and I'm afraid it's too soon.

I think he's becoming an addiction...and that scares me, too.

He's become a friend...and that makes me happy.

Did I mention he says he can help me heal?

HUNGER

What is it that makes a person's hunger so intense?

If you think I mean for food you're wrong.

It doesn't have to be for a certain person...just a need that hasn't been fulfilled....a desire so strong you'd do almost anything to satisfy it.

You see a stranger...something about that person gives you that craving...and you wonder what it would feel like to have those hands on you...touching you where you need to be touched...that mouth...tasting you...that body on top of you or underneath you...to be swept away in so much passion and lust that you don't care who knows.

Sometimes the need is for something slow and sweet...tender caresses and meaningful kisses...looking into eyes that see only you...holding each other like you'll never let go...

But sometimes, that craving gets so strong, there's no way you can wait...you need to take or be taken...hard and fast...

It seems at times my emotions get the best of me. I'm a very sexual person. At this time in my life I sometimes find it hard to deal with...I miss having someone to wait for...someone to surprise at the door with a kiss and a "follow me" whisper in his ear...someone to tease so mercilessly that he just has to have me...and I gladly submit...

The best feeling in the world, at least to me, is to have someone inside me. There is nothing that can replace that...the feeling of a man entering my body...the look on his face and the sound he makes or the words he speaks that first time he slides in as deep as he can...feeling how wet and tight I am around him...the two of us moving together, sometimes slow and tender, sometimes fast and hard...either way....a complete surrender.

Damn it...I'm starving.

WHAT NOW?

What am I suppposed to do if I find myself deeper than I imagined? If I look up, searching for a way out of this hole I've put myself in, will I give up, or fight?

And if there's someone there, hand outstretched, waiting for me? A man's voice, telling me to stop digging and start climbing...will I listen? Will I find the handholds and the footholds, one after the other, and climb? Concentrating...trying not to fall back down, telling myself "don't let go."

Halfway there, looking up into the open, will he still be there? "Don't leave me here" I beg him, and he's nowhere to be seen...I stop, thinking this is a waste of time...just let go and you'll be safe at the bottom...alone and miserable, but safe.

"Keep climbing" he says, "I won't leave you," and I can't help but start to believe him.

Further and further up I climb. The hole is getting bigger and I can see his face now, so serious as he stretches to help me.

"C'mon, just a little more," and suddenly I'm at the top. I extend a shaky hand to him and I wonder if this is real...he takes hold of my hand, and even though I feel how strong and sure his grip is, I wonder if he is real. He pulls me up and over the edge, away from my prison, and his arms wrap around me, but I can only stand there and tremble. I want to hold him back, but I can't make my arms move from my side.

Next to him like this I hear how gentle his voice is in my ear. "See, I told you I wouldn't leave you," and it's all I need. I reach up and around, holding onto him as if he just saved my life.

I believe he just did.

IMPATIENT

After my last post, being both a bit ashamed and a bit relieved, I've decided to look at this a little differently.

I can start over now. I have opportunity...no reason to say "I can't." I want to look forward to this...to see something in someone's eyes that makes me believe I can be a possibility...an opportunity. I never thought I'd say this, but I want to feel that clumsy, shy feeling I get when I'm near someone I like. Stumbling over words, trying to have some semblance of a working knowledge of the english language, trying not to be so obvious while at the same time having trouble breathing.

I want to see something in someone's eyes that tells me I shouldn't be so insecure, so self-doubting, that I'm important enough to listen to even if what I say is inane
and not as funny as I thought it was. Maybe I can even get up the nerve to suggest coffee together or lunch, and see a look of pleasant surprise...and believe when the answer is "yes."

I want so badly to be over all of this. I hate being an emotional car wreck, with feelings and fears that seem to keep repeating like a bad rerun.

I don't want his pity, this man I hope is out there, I want his affection. I want his touch. I want his kiss. I want it willingly, and I want it often.

A tender kiss on my cheek or my forehead, a brush across my lips or somethng more, his mouth over mine, tasting me, promising so much more. The palm of my hand upturned in his and the look in his eyes as he watches my reaction to a gentle caress. I'm weak and very malleable then, and I would do anything to keep him there at that moment.

In my mind, I feel the touch of his hands, bigger than mine and strong, tracing the contours of my face, my shoulders, teasing me as he follows the swell of my breast and on down to my arms, sending a shiver through me, sliding behind my back to pull me closer for a kiss. Sometimes he holds me against him, tenderly, with his hands on my waist, while other times he slides them farther down to my ass, and pulls me to him, hard. I can feel him, and I can't help but moan.

If I close my eyes, I can see him over me, the look in his eyes of wanting. He craves me, as I do him, and that first time, when I surrender to him completely, he pushes into me so easily, slow and deep. An exquisite surprise, this man inside me, so hard, how can he be so hard? I am full of him now, and as we move together, slow and deliberate, once again he's taken my breath away. His words to me, full of intense emotion...telling me I feel so good on him. I can only reach up and touch his face and he holds me closer as his arms slide under my shoulders. He thrusts into me and I moan as my legs wrap around him. My arms around him and on his back, he kisses me, hard.We are in perfect rythm.

I want to see something in his eyes, something that brings me to him. Besides the lust, the wanting, I want to see his affection for me. This will make me his. He'll feel it...the way I tighten on him, the way I close my eyes as my body arches beneath him, the way I sound when I cry out as I'm hit with wave after wave of such intensity I almost scream. Here he will join with me, filling me. Finally, all that pain is washed away.

Now I just have to wait and see...

WRONG...ONCE AGAIN

I should have known better. I have caller i.d. so why don't I use it? Why do I let certain things get to me?

Why do people feel the need to just accept things in their lives when it makes them miserable? Sure it's hard to change, but don't not change it because it's hard...

I like my time alone...at least most of it. It's not like I wasn't alone a lot before all this happened. I may make mistakes and sometimes I have to work a little extra so I can make a decent paycheck. I owe money but my bills are paid on time and I'm the one who pays them. I wasn't lucky enough to find someone who would "take care" of me. Maybe I should have "forgotten" my pill one morning. Wham...Bam...
oops...sorry, baby...your mine now...free rent...free room and board. I can even go to college because, dammit, it's pretty close to free.

I know I said no whining til after the weekend, but, I lied...yep, I can do it, too.

I think I may lose the few readers I have with this one...if it offends you, I'm sorry. I appreciate everything everyone has given me by way of advice. But I'm afraid I'm feeling particularly hateful...wallowing in self-pity...both very unbecoming.

I hate this feeling...angry...bitter...I'm a fucking shrew...

Several years ago...a call in the middle of the night...drunk...crying...he's sorry he was never able to give me a baby...he would reverse it if he could, but he can't...
sure...I understand...not that your two kids would mind a half-sister or brother...and what would your parents think...your brother and sister...

Not to mention the wife...

But please, tell me all about the weddings and the new babies...then make me feel bad because I get upset...I'm jealous...guess I didn't read the etiquette book with the sections on "How To Keep Playing The Fool" and "You Asked For It."

Being a fool means never taking the responsibility of your actions. It's years later and I'm finally responsible.

Better late than never, I guess.

KINDNESS

A good day today...I feel better than I have in a while. Someone is helping me by just showing a bit of compassion...and it's making a difference. It's nice to know not everyone is just out for themselves. Everyone who visits here is kind enough to give me some advice...and I am grateful.

SO....no whining today...maybe not even til after the weekend....

FOOLISH PRIDE

What makes us do dumb things when it comes to the heart? I know I'm not the only one, but you only see what you want to see. Everyone around you tries to tell you things that you don't want to hear, then they back off because they know it's no use. The good thing is they are still your friends when it all goes south.

We remain friends. I'd help him if he needed me, and I know he'd do the same. But why now? Why does he show everything now instead of when I needed him to show it then? Plus the fact that, after all the yelling and tears and crazy emotions, why wouldn't he fight more? I never did this to get a reaction from him. It was too late...it was over a while back, I think.

Excuse me, but fuck that.