MULLING IT OVER

When it all fell apart, when we had our fights and he left taking everything that was his, I thought about doing it. I knew then, and I know now...it's a selfish thing to do. I've always thought that people who have done it were stupid. Yet there I was, considering it, like I consider what I'm going to have for dinner. I imagined that once I did do it, he would be so sorry...he would really miss me...he would be so devastated. But I'd be dead, so how would I know.

That was the only time I ever thought seriously about suicide. But I'm stronger than I thought I was. At least in that I did something right.

Besides...I need to survive, to show him how wrong he was...and that I was the best mistake he ever made.

ANOTHER HOLIDAY

I didn't think the holiday would bother me, but it has. I see everyone out with friends and family...although a good friend did say to call and come out, it's hard to do that when they're married and you're alone. It gets to be one long evening of the obvious.

I guess I could go outside and feed the birds; maybe take the dog for a walk. I'm seriously debating on whether or not to take a road trip soon.

I wondered if maybe what I wrote yesterday wasn't too explicit...but then I remembered that the reason I put this up in the first place was to say what I can't say anywhere else...and if anyone gets offended then they don't need to come back.

RAINING

I wake up in the middle of the night...it's raining...a soothing sound. It's very quiet otherwise, and I feel a cat jump up on the bed next to me. But it seems too heavy for a cat, and suddenly there's a hand on my thigh...it doesn't frighten me...I welcome it. It's him, and I say his name."Shhhhhh" he whispers, and he is over me, his hands on my waist, sliding over my skin. He takes a nipple in his mouth through my t-shirt, and I moan as he sucks, that delicious way he had that made me surrender.

I want to see his face but it's dark. I know it by heart, but I want to touch it. His knee moves between my legs as he pulls off of me and I reach up to touch him, but he won't let me. His hands grasp my wrists and he pins them down, gently but firmly. I start to speak again, but he enters me, and I can only cry out.

Slow and deep he moves. I remember this. No matter what has happened between us, I can't help but miss this so much. I wrap my legs around him and he breathlessly tells me how he's missed me, how he's missed this. I tighten around him and he moans, his thrusts becoming harder. A perfect rythm between us, I feel it building up inside me...I feel him getting closer...he tells me...to cum with him...and I explode...

I wake, still feeling my muscles contracting. Trying to catch my breath, I look around...but I'm alone. A peal of thunder startles me, and I close my eyes, my hand between my legs. I'm wet, but it's only me. Looking up at the ceiling, a tear falls down my cheek, and even though I swore no more, I roll onto my side and cry myself to sleep.

UNDERSTANDING

I've been reading a few blogs and some have been getting hateful e-mails and anonymous comments that are usually a bit demeaning. I for one don't understand why anyone would bother if they don't like what they read, unless it's something that would be inflammatory. I never saw anything that was; most of them were very well written and quite enjoyable.

I just hope anyone who reads this blog (if I get many readers at all) is not offended by what I write. Like I said, it's more of a catharsis...no one to really talk to here, and if you stay long enough to read anything I wrote then you are definately welcome here.

BETTER DAY

So far the weekend hasn't been so bad, even thought it's a holiday...a time when everyone is out with friends and family. The weather is gorgeous and I'm feeling lazy.

A good time to think.

A STRAND OF AUBURN

I've never been one who was comfortable with compliments.

I've always loved having my hair played with...fingers run through it...gathered loosely in strong hands that could so easily hurt me but were always gentle. He said he loved my hair...the way it felt...soft and thick...the way it smelled. He said he liked to look down and see that head of auburn, that it made it all the more intense.

He said he loved how it moved when I moved...how it fell down my back when I was astride him, how it seemed to fall forward when I would look down at him and tell him I was close.

I've never been comfortable with compliments, but when he said these things I felt very sexual. I felt like I had some kind of power; that I could get him to do anything I wanted.

Apparently that didn't last.

JUST A TOUCH...

If you're a woman, hopefully you've known what it feels like to have someone who would show you how they felt. A touch on the elbow...a hand on your back...maybe even holding hands. Men should also know what this feels like...a kiss on the cheek...an arm through yours...

He lifts his hand to caress my cheek, but his hand doesn't stop there...a lock of my hair...brushed aside...a smile and a wink...god that always made me weak...then he turns away to do what he was going to do...knowing he has me. I was his...

Now I'm no one's...

A BEGINNING

I've been alone for a while now, and I still don't like it.

He's been gone for months, and I miss him terribly. I miss his scent, his smile, the way he used to touch me, and how he felt inside me.

Sometimes I get so hungry...