I was in a bad frame of mind when I broke off with my ex.
I was the one who'd said it was over. He took it very, very hard. I felt guilty because of that.
But a couple of months later, I was sitting in my doctor's office, getting checked for high blood pressure. I started to cry uncontrollably.
My doctor sat down and talked to me; made me feel better about things.
I was feeling guilty; I was not sleeping well because of it; I was worried that I had inherited my dad's problem.
She put me on a new drug that releases seratonin in your brain. Basically a happy pill.
It's been great. No mood swings, I feel better than I have in a long time, and it doesn't make me loopy or drowsy.
Lately I've noticed, a couple of times at least, that maybe it isn't working as well as it was before. I got pissed over something at work (bad day and nothing went right), and tonight I got a little sad over a movie ending. It showed a guy and a girl in love...and had all the usual...romance, affection, families accepting the outsider.
Another reminder of what I never had, and probably won't have anytime soon.
Maybe I'm just plain sad. I hope so. I want to be rid of this fucking guilt.
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7 comments:
Even the "happy pill" shouldn't make you emotionally flatlined (experience talking here). I think we all look for happy endings - do they exist??? Who really knows, but it doesn't stop us from trying. I hope you can lose the guilt too! {{{{wanting}}}}} :)
a PDR is printed in my brain. literally now, in another century, probably one of the most incredible and horrible things unfolded right before my eyes. in a millisecond my entire life changed and another's ended. the docs loved to hand out all manner of "happy pills." but y'know i had a reason to be in shock, to be sad, to be angry. i hated to watch tv cause the perfect little family kept showing up in ads, on shows...nothing ever looked the same again. i had a reason...no pill could fix that unless it could bring back the dead. so i trashed them and felt it. every bit of it and most days i thought myself really nuts for thinking feeling was better than a purple or yellow or blue pill. but in the long run, feeling is what kept me here. and little by little, some days began to be in color instead of black and white and gray. life still sucks lots of days; moods swing from elation to despair. but it has been better to go ahead and feel it, deal with the blackness and the sunshine.... and sometimes a margarita is just what the doc should have ordered. candy's dandy but liquor's quicker... sometimes we all need something but, for me, it has been better to swing with my moods than to be dead but still breathing. different things work for different people. there are songs i hear which make me want to just die right then and there, there is a word which takes my breath away, makes my hands shake and the memory of that day to be as fresh as morning dew but all of it has been better- for me- to feel, to get angry and smash something safe like a punching bag. it has been more difficult to feel than to take a pill but i have no regrets about flushing the shit. no doc, no pill could heal me...i had to start that and the beginning had to be feeling what that moment did to me. i might be crazy as hell , but i am still here.. and i can smile again. do what you need to for the time you need to but for me it was inside the whole time; i just couldn't look. so getcha a margarita and a punching bag and go ahead and feel it and scream it, cry it, pound it out of your body...cause you are purging it every day you write and i know the sun will come up one day and look different to you, too. always with ya, girl...
..but it didn't make me emotionally flatlined...I haven't felt this good about stuff in a long time. I don't get pissed as easily, and I seem to have more patience. I guess things still bother me more than I thought. Thanks guys. All of you help when you talk to me...just please don't think of me as an emotional fuck up...I don't want to seem like my dad...
More often than not guilt is such a useless freakin' emotion.
The doctor had me on Prozac for a while. After responding to an asshole by laughing I realized I was nice. Freaked me out. Called the doctor and told her I was quitting the Prozac.
Everyone feels guilt from time to time for various things. Most of the time it's something that they should not feel guilty about. It's okay to feel guilty or sad sometimes. We all have highs and lows. I wish there was something I could say that would change that but there's not. I guess all I can say is I'm sorry and it will pass.
you should feel guilt about this only if you did something wrong - from all ive heard, you didnt - you trusted with your heart and your trust was wronged - be sad about that
you are seeking happiness - dont ever feel guilty about that
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a very few words on guilt. believe or not, those of you used to my mini novels. i held the man who loved me most ever as his blood ran into the sand and i tried to will myself dead because i thought i did not love him the same way. i tried with drs potions to make it go away; i tried listening to the big book thumpers... but one day i said, self, you never cheated on him or lied about anything that mattered and gave him a son and raised him to be a good man without a father present. get over it and go experience the life he loved and lost, smile that you're alive and quit wasting fucking time with guilt...and i still fall down a lot but diff now is i do get up with a smile..."jesus died for somebodies' sins but not mine... my sins, my own, belong to me." -p. smith
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