Seems lately I've been having some really weird dreams, many of them short of being nightmares.
Last night's were pretty vivid, things about dead people coming back, but there were good dead people and bad dead people, and I was learning how to kill (again) the bad ones. Sort of like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Hey, I said they were weird, didn't I?
Every once in a while I have a period of time where I have these dreams; once I woke from one where the image of all these teeth and fangs were still in front of me when I woke up.
Then there are the times I've woke up and felt so frightened I had to turn a light on, but I don't remember dreaming anything. Those few moments between waking and touching the light switch are almost as bad; I think that maybe, just maybe something is going to grab me before I can reach the light.
I hate these (who doesn't?), because it makes me feel helpless and foolish, especially when I wait for that hand from under the bed, or that person standing in my way.
When he was here with me, and I woke to one of those, he would tell me to go back to sleep and change my dream, because he could.
Or he would get a little mad for waking him.
I don't ever remember him trying to comfort me.
It would have been nice to get that.
It would have been nice to get hugs more often, kisses much more often, talking to me until I went back to sleep. It would have been nice to be included in a lot of things in his life.
I hated being behind him when we walked into somewhere. It was almost like he was embarrassed to be with me.
Lately guilt has been a constant companion, it seems. But I'm slowly getting away from that. I just remember all these things and how they made me feel. Especially the walking in front of me.
Maybe the next time someone does that, we'll see how much he likes me turning and walking away from him.
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9 comments:
It sounds to me like he didn't appreciate what he had. You shouldn't feel guilty about leaving. He should feel guilty about the way he treated you.
Can't walk next to you???? Makes you walk behind???? What a cocksmoker!
that's why i like you...you have such a lyrical way about you !!!
I have to agree with Drunkbh - there is little that I could add! :)
I walked behind for a few years too and didn't enjoy the view at all. I went through the guilty stage but luckily I never regretted leaving. The only thing I have ever regretted was staying too long (about 3 years to long).
Hang in there, the nightmares will recede.
I hope you understand when I say,"you are a beautiful woman." And that is a very good thing indeed.
i understand more than i wish i did. esp. the walking behind... and accepting less seems somehow forgivable- i hate myself sometimes for allowing it, for "chasing" it...makes me feel less alone when i read your work. buffalo says a lot of things so true... you are a very beautiful woman.
take my hand! hold it and never let go! walk beside me, with me . . .
Just as an aside, and probably not relevant, almost every where I go with a woman I go through the door first. It is my paranoia. If something is headed our way I want to meet it first.
Not much of a gentlemanly thing to do, I guess. But that is the way I'm wired.
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