I've never been married, so I don't know, cannot know, certain feelings.
However, I do know what it's like to have a secret and what happens when it all comes out.
Many times I sat here and wondered where the hell he was, what he was doing, and eventually got myself so worked up that I just knew he was at home with the wife, doing his family thing.
You know, the wife he couldn't stand to be around, and who didn't like him.
Yet when I called, hoping he picked up, it was amazing how things seemd so different.
When he did pick up, there was always an excuse of why he hadn't called in so long...why he was there (even though he also didn't like being there...you see, he liked being with me).
He did his best to be nice to me, trying to be quiet so she wouldn't hear, telling me he'd call soon, and that he had to go.
Once he even called me from there, knowing I was waiting for him because we'd planned (sort of) on doing something together, and whispering that he couldn't make it...something had come up with the family...and how sorry he was and that he had to go.....and he hung up.
The few times I would "fight back," it amazed me how upset he'd get. Probably the only times he'd show his true feelings to me (until recently).
But, afterward, it was the same shit again. I was the one who just didn't understand how things were.
Of course, I always forgave him. Some of you may think I deserved what I got. That I should have gotten rid of him.
Maybe I did. Maybe I should have.
And anyone who is married, happily, or maybe unhappily, and wants to tell me what a bad person I am because I let myself get in all of this, don't bother. You obviously don't know what it's like, and I certainly don't need you to make me feel any worse.
All I know is that feeling of being dismissed, unworthy of someone because they have prior commitments, absolutely sucks.
I know how things are...how the world works...and I wouldn't really think well of a man who didn't take care of his business. Things happen and you get caught up in situations that you can't fix.
I know what it's like to do something you wish you could do differently or not at all.
I know what it's like to hope someone will come around and realize everything they need is right in front of them.
But that feeling still sucks.
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9 comments:
I would never judge you. You have reasons for what you did and strong feelings as well. I just think that he didn't deserve you.
bh...you are awesome...thanks for that...
I don't like to tell people how they should feel. That said, may I gently suggest that you shouldn't feel badly at all?
Love and need can push us down a path that finds us doing things we don't particularly like. I helps cause us to make compromises that we would normally never consider making.
It is all a part of this little drama called life and it ain't a thang, sweet girl.
yeah, well sometimes life is a real bitch that way. Thank you for trying Buffalo. I guess I want to feel bad for the day. Good thing it's just the "kids" and me.
Certainly no judgement here - been there and certainly understand. Who really "knows" the inner working of the heart? Surely you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, nor let anyone else. There is NO ONE who is in a position to judge!
I just did a post on some very similar issues.
i think it is impossible to pick who and the situation that who might be in isn't always clear. desire and need and want are things not necessarily governed by common sense. it's easy by the light of day to see what "should" be but not so easy to force one's emotions to go along.
being dismissed sucks -big time. being invisible is almost as bad. it is hard to be number 8 or whatever on the important list. the bastards don't do a lot to make us feel good about ourselves. but still we'll run to them. yes, it sucks. piss on people who judge. obviously they lie to themselves often and deny the validity of emotions. it hurts, pure and simple, it hurts.
This one hits pretty deeply with me, W...
Ten years ago I was the guy you were talking to on the phone, except that finally, I decided to actually make that break; and then, the woman I was leaving my family for got cold feet and I nearly lost everything.
Men, I'm sorry to say, want it both ways. I'm not doubting that this guy has feelings for you, but he's obviously divided, and what that says about him can mean many different things. You see, we men compartmentalize our emotions. Sex does not always mean to us what it does to a woman, and given the choice to have our cake and eat it too, well, the guys who wouldn't go for that option are few and far between.
I'm not trying to diss your lover, I'm just trying to tell you, this is how we're wired. If he'd really rather be with YOU, he would be.
Hang in there.
Cool guestbook, interesting information... Keep it UP
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Best regards from NY! »
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