Sunday is my least favorite day of the week.
I don't know why, it just is.
Which made Christmas kind of sad.
It would be a lot better if there was someone here to spend it with.
I don't want presents.
I want attention.
Affection.
I've never known anyone who wanted to be with me that much.
Who wanted to spend his holiday with me.
Even after he moved in with me, he had plans with his kids.
That wouldn't have been so bad if I was invited along.
But that never happened, either.
It would be great to wake up with someone who wants to be with you, no matter what.
Some people take it for granted...don't know how lucky they are.
Shame on you.
I wouldn't do that.
I'm a spoiler.
I take care of the one I'm with.
I've made breakfast in bed, given baths and massages (complete with candles, oil and a table), delivered lunch when he was too busy to stop working (once in a flimsy night gown), washed clothes til one in the morning, met him at his job and "hung out" just to be near him, picked him up when his car broke down and took care of him when he was sick (are all men such babies?).
I've also called his son and managed to piss everyone off because he wouldn't go to the hospital and I had no choice and it turned out to be meningitis, stayed home during the holidays, weddings, and grandbabies being born, never got the phone calls that were promised when he went on his trips, nor was I ever told the seperation expired a long time ago, but I was told that I didn't ask, so that's why he never said.
So next time, if someone is lucky enough, I 'll do the baths and the massages (only after I'm sure he deserves it), the breakfasts in bed (and he'll be very lucky to be in my bed), the dirty clothes and the nursing back to health, the hanging out together because I want to be with him, and he damn well better want me, too.
The sex...sometimes sex that is so hot and intense, so carnal and full of lust, filled with moans and dirty words and thrusts of such power, that he will have to rest a while, and I'll walk a little differently.
Making love (he should know the difference), something two people do together that is very special to the both of them, filled with gentle touches and tender kisses, slow, languid strokes and words of affection and love.
I want both.
I don't want bullshit anymore...no lies...no half-truths because I didn't ask the right questions.
I don't like not trusting...it's caused problems between myself and others.
But I can't help it.
So he'll have to be willing to prove to me I should...
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6 comments:
aww, girl, i understand so much about what you said, it gets me right in the throat. i asked myself, "why?" when i did much the same things for an equally unworthy and ungrateful creep. and i had no answer. certainly it was not deserved. all i wanted was for the bastard to just once show me, he loved me. hell he couldn't even show he cared. cause he didn't. not really. just took what i gave while i hoped it would somehow make him love me.
and yes, there is a huge difference between fucking and making love. it is a huge and terrible fear i almost know in my bones will be ultimately and forever true... that never will i know what it is to make love to someone, but way, way more important that someone will make love to me. it gets to me more than anything else. i can bear all the time alone; i can bear having to do all the things i wish i didn't, like fix the fucking water heater.... but knowing no one will ever make love to me, really, kills me inside.
i am most releived this holiday stuff is over for another year. it is horrible, all the images of bullshit lies all through the media and eveyone having somewhere to go, someone to go with except for people like you and me. it sucks, it always has, it always will and i just want to know what the fuck i did to be so defective.
i try so hard but i know what the truth is, what the reality is and it is very difficult to bear when there is no real reason but "unlucky."
You are one hell of a woman!
What you want is not an unreasonable request! Hang in there - it's bound to happen. Not every guy is devoid of such sensitivity - really!
this is the feisty wanting that i first read here - full of desire, wanting the man that wants to be with her, to want to be with her - how could 'he' not know enough to stay by her side - and be with her
'he' must regret his choice everyday
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