Well, I decided at the last minute I was going to give out candy for Halloween.
I lit a lantern that holds a candle and sat outside with my pup, who was lucky to be wearing the scarf I found for him with pumpkins and jack-o-lanterns all over it.
It was drizzling, but parents still brought their kids out, so I was able to hand out some Kit Kat bars, and play-doh to the smaller ones.
It was fun to do something I hadn't done in years. The reason I hadn't was because I'd get depressed; watching little kids with their parents, knowing I wouldn't be a mother myself.
My ex already had his quota...and he was fixed. So I told myself that was that.
Unfortunately, I got that feeling again tonight.
I'll never have a child. I'm not one to go out and get pregnant just because I want to. I'm picky. If I couldn't have one with the man I loved, then I wouldn't.
Of course, I thought I'd at least be with the man I loved. But that backfired I guess.
I wasn't even allowed to be step-mother.
People think I don't like children. I have to admit, sometimes I don't tolerate people and they way they treat their kids, or the way they haven't taught them.
I suppose it's a good thing I never had a baby. All the things in the world to worry about, besides diseases and terminal illnesses.
What if I fucked up and my kid hated me...or hated him or herself?
I watched a little girl as she came up to me, more enthralled with the dog than anything I had. She was cute in her fairy princess costume.
I watched the parents with her, and wondered...what that must be like. They obviously adored her. She was so happy at that moment.
What is that like?
I hate these feelings of melancholy and regret. With my family history, I'm glad I don't have to put a kid through that. In the dictionary, there should be a picture of me and my family next to dysfunctional. Maybe another picture by the word doomed.
But I do wonder...what it's like...to give life to something, nurture it and hope you do the right thing. I envy anyone who has this. Who has a normal family. Someone to go home to. Take care of, and who will take care of you.
I thought I was going to have at least a little of that.
Sorry if I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's the weather...among other things.
I promise I won't do this again.
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12 comments:
I'm really sorry you're feeling down on Halloween. I had to work, which meant I couldn't hand out candy to the kids this year. There's something fun seeing kids having fun, before their hoped & dreams are crushed under the weight of the world.
Just eat the candy that's left over & watch some old slasher movie. Nothing more invigorating than rooting for the bad guy to kill all those promiscuous teenagers.
I think every parent, and potential parent, feels a certain amount of fear. I know I sure did. The responsibility is awesome.
You feel how you feel. Expressing it is what you should do.
Don't have any words of consolation. There aren't any. It is what it is and there is no way of undoing it. I am sorry you hurt.
I always liked watching ALIEN when I was depressed.
Parenthood is scary. That just part of the process. I remember the fear I felt when Tamara and I found out we were gonna be parents.
I don't know if you think you're age is stopping you or if its your health. However, there are other ways to have a family...with real unconditional love. Big Brother/Sister and tons of other groups for children needing a "family".
(sorry i've been away so long. it's good to read you again. sorry you feel so down. Now listen to Blade...Life is moldable, and your time is now. Take life into your hands and shape it the way you want it. It won't happen over night, so you have to stick with it.)
Blade Out
Glad you're back, Blade. Now how long before you come back?
tease
I agree with blade. You could even be a foster parent. I have a friend who has basically decided he may not have kids of his own, but he is 37 and has adopted his second kid. Of course he has them both as foster first. You can put down the age and sex you prefer and you would really be amking a difference in a kids life.
Being a mentor would work as well.
I don't know your age or health either, but it may not be too late...
run away screaming!!!! children arent all they cracked up to be - remember, i was a child once - and look what happened with that!!!
in seriousness tho, i can only restate the sentiments all here have said - and hope you find all the love you need, want and desire
what the hell is a "normal" family? i don't know either, girl.
sometimes i think how things might have been different if i hadn't had a kid and although i am probably way more self destructive than you, my kid has really served as the one who kept me alive all these years. after his father died, there was literally no one but me to care for him and he was really little at the time. i so did not want him to be around really sick people like the ones in my family and i tried to make things as "normal" as a screwup like me could. no matter how much i would have liked to say "fuck it" to life then, i couldn't because it wasn't about just me. and therein lies the biggest difference to me... i always had to think how my actions would affect my kid -first.
i never really liked kids and being the youngest, never was around kids, so when mine came along...well, he's OK but keep the rest of 'em away from me. i don't like the behavior i observe now. parents now seem to let the kid(s) run the household, not the other way around.
some song i barely remember had a line that was like- "you wish you were me; i wish i was you..." as much as you wonder what life would be like having kids, i wonder who i would be now if i hadn't...
don't apologize -haven't you told me the same thing? if it is what you feel, write it. that is what this place is for...
feel better, friend
In my first marriage I wanted nothing to do with children, wasn't that I didn't like them, it was that I didn't want a repeat of the family I had come from. There was nothing hideously wrong with my family of origin, but it was not a very happy household and I was done with that. Fate said otherwise and I had two girls and raised a third daughter from the age of three in my second marriage. I was adamant about not wanting kids and yet now I cannot believe that I ever felt that way. Also the family and relationships are a 180 from the family I grew up with and I cannot imagine life without.
All that to say that surprises truly happen in life - good surprises. Hang in there, keep the regret in the past where it belongs. :)
I have no words for this.
Sorry.
BTW- This was the longest fucking word verification I've ever had.
JHRYWALQ
K~ I feel your pain on this. We are different in many ways but we have some very close issues with family. I get that feeling like you do when I watch people with kids, will I ever know what it's like to look at a child and not grieve just a little? I'm not sure.
You give your heart to your niece, I hope to someday soon do the same for Amber's kids, but I worry about screwing them up too.
"normal" familys are an extinct breed, or almost, but my sister gives me hope by telling me, "we have learned how NOT to hurt kids because of our family, we will do better". I hope she's right but I'm not convinced.
Damn, I was all set to cheer you up, but I'm not certain if I have that right. But don't say you are sorry for your feelings, this is your safe place, we are just your guests.
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